"I'm overcommitted by my boss." 😵💫
The FBI technique to say no
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"When you assume you know what the other side wants, you’re wrong. You’re not listening, you’re projecting." - Chris Voss
Hi,
How was your last week?
"I'm overcommitted by my boss," they said.
As soon as I heard this from a workshop participant, I could feel the pain. It reminded me when it felt like I was the only person on the team.
It was safe to give me the work because no matter what, it would get done.
But I also played a role in it. I didn't know how to say no.
I said yes out of guilt, fear of letting them down, and because I thought that it meant my competence was irreplaceable.
Why share this?
Because while learning to say no is one of the most important skills I gained in my corporate career, the worst advice out there is: “Make no your default.”
In my 20s, no was my default. I naturally started every sentence with no. And instead of helping, it made me difficult to work with.
I still overcommitted (because I couldn't "win" every argument) and ended up stressed, anxious, and angry on many days.
After a colleague pointed this out to me in the most caring way (still forever grateful), I started experimenting with a different technique: saying no without saying no.
It worked then, and still does. And in any situation - with your boss, your team, your peers, and even your kids about screen time, or with your partner about who's picking up the kids from that birthday party.
It works 95% of the time.
And interestingly... I learned it's the same technique the FBI uses in hostage negotiations.
the why
In Never Split The Difference, Chris Voss, former FBI lead hostage negotiator, shares that the way to win a negotiation isn't with arguments, but with questions.
Across his nearly 25-year career, Voss negotiated in 150+ life-or-death situations. And here's what made the difference:
1. Being right isn't the key, the right mindset is.
In hostage negotiations, if you come in trying to "win" the argument, you lose trust and risk lives.
2. When you slow the process down, you also calm it down.
Rushing escalates panic while slowing down lowers the temperature so better decisions can be made.
3. "Yes, but" is the weakest move, master no instead
"Yes, but" keeps piling more on the table and clears no space for better options.
When you start using these rules at work, saying no stops being an argument and becomes a negotiation you can actually win.
the how
Here's how I applied these rules with my former bosses:
1. Start with a win-win mindset
Yes, your boss could be taking advantage of you. But assuming that's always true puts you in a hostage position.
Most of the time, they're just as overwhelmed and overcommitted as you. Don’t assume they see your whole plate.
Questions that shift the mindset to win-win:
"If I take this on, what should I pause or delay?"
"Which one of these priorities should come first?"
"What if [teammate name] supports this?" (Bonus tip: Add the why. E.g., their strength, a learning opportunity, similar project they led in the past.)
2. Slow down
Over 90% of our decisions are emotional because our emotional brain is faster than our rational side. That's why we say yes too often out of fear of:
disappointing someone
looking less competent
creating conflict
not being liked
being replaced
And your boss (as long as they're still human) has the same fears, overwhelm, and emotional yesses.
Questions that slow down the emotional yes:
"What's the real deadline for this?"
"What happens if we wait until next week?"
"How does this tie into our top priority this week?"
3. Look for their no
Saying no yourself feels hard (sometimes even impossible.) But when you invite them to say no, everyone wins. You protect each other’s time, lower overwhelm, and often clear away work that wasn’t worthwhile in the first place.
Questions that invite their no:
"Would it be wrong to cancel this project?"
"Is this the best use of my time this week?"
"Would it be a bad idea to delegate this to [teammate name or team]? (Bonus tip: Add the why. E.g., their strength, a learning opportunity, similar project they led in the past.))
Each question you ask is a chance to say no (without saying no) - one less commitment, one more boundary. And that's how you stop feeling like a hostage to your busy schedule and your boss.
your play of the week
Say no with questions❓
This week, instead of defaulting to yes (or blunt no), slow down and ask one clarifying question first. Each question protects your schedule and your work-life balance goal.
And if you don't have one, I'll help you set (and test) it in my free workshop.
Because the alternative is more overwhelm, overcommitment, and overwork through the rest of 2025.
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I know productivity - not illustrations. Stickman figures by Zdenek Sasek.
Enjoy getting good busy!
See you next Monday,
Kate
PS: Do you feel a hostage to your schedule? Say bye to overwhelm today.
Not sure yet? Set (and test) your work-life balance goal in my free workshop.